*****
Sept 17th
Both of us still work at the bar. I'm a bar tender, and she's a waitress, it may just be a little local bar but it's owned by my grandparents. We have our regulars, god do they ever love Morrigan, then again what's not to love about her. The break-up sure makes for an awkward yet entertaining shift. I always want to flirt and she just punches in the orders and walks away. *OUCH!* But maybe it's for the best you know, so the false hope doesn't keep flying.
The shifts I work with her, Maddi usually comes in. Makes me laugh the way Madison will just walk in sit down right at the bar, never at a table, and talk with me most of the night. I can sense some frustration, jealousy even, but it sure is funny, when Maddi makes snarky remarks and Morrigan just gives her the evil look. The two never got along, why should they start now.
But all the games between Morrigan and myself are over, and I don't know who to turn to, my heart will not heal without an actual good-bye. I guess I want a good-bye to the person I thought she was, the person that I fell in love with. This working with her, not talking to her, isn't a good-bye. It is pure torture. But I'll never get a good-bye, that'll never happen, she thrives on my misery. It hurts even now, this very moment when I write this. Especially after her fiancé came in and made it apparent that she was his. I hate PDA! Both Maddi and Keegan were there to try and keep my mind off of it though, laughing and making fun of them.
I know deep down inside that my heart never fully healed from Landon. I never got that closure and to be honest the knife wound is still very much open and fresh. I guess what she did was stitch it up, let it heal and then when the wounds were almost fully healed she ripped the stitches out with her bare hands (fuck, that'll teach me to love someone again.)
I miss Landon, I miss his touch, his smile, his body, and to be honest I miss Landon being a complete asshole towards me and well everyone I care for. I wish I could say I came to terms with the 'break-up' let alone the fact that he beat the hell out of my daughter. Fuck how dense can I get, I haven't even come to the fact that Rori isn't in my life, that she's living with Calleigh and Luke forever now, and I have no access to her because she's in Oakdale and I'm in Deadhorse.
All this pain, frustration, anger, I CANNOT fuckin deal with this anymore. I still LOVE Landon, and you know what I'm still head over heels in love with Morrigan, I'll always care about her too... I hate the fact that I care for her. I can deal with loving her, I can handle those feelings but, I need these caring feeling these need to FUCK off and GO AWAY because they make me weak.
Now everyone knows that Landon was my prince charming, he was my world for so long, the father of my child. He stays on my mind constantly, haunting my every nightmare. I can't seem to shake him from my soul. He and I had something special, something I thought was real, but he was a monster, ruthless and inconsiderate. I could blame his mental problems, the ODD and ADHD (alphabet soup in his head) for his behaviour, but I was the one that fed him the power, he knew I'd never leave him, and if he didn't beat the hell out of Rori, he'd still likely be in our lives.
Morrigan, WOW! Morrigan was my 'angel' beautiful, intelligent, talented, sexy, amazing, overall perfect inside and out. There is nothing wrong with this amazing, woman. Well other then the fact that she's engaged and yada yada. She saved my life the night I lost Rori for good. I wanted to kill myself, I fuckin' wanted to die! There she was, my 'angel' and a best friend saved my life and didn’t let me die. I knew she had always been there for me, I just didn't know to what extent.
God, why did I fall in love with her, why did I tell her the things that I did? Well, I don't regret our ‘relationship’ one bit. Not at all, I'm happy that we had that crazy love affair, and the secret we now share. Right! Shit I guess it’s not really a secret anymore; it’s the secret that I spilled after all was said and done. Lesson learned, DON'T CALL ME A CRAZY BITCH! I don't like it all that much...
But I care for her, FUCK YEAH I care for her do you blame me? She’s tall, blond, killer body, intoxicating eyes she may be a little older than me but FUCK amazing woman I cannot say that fact enough. I still think she's the best! I don't think that I'll ever truly get over her. She ended the relationship without warning, and to be honest it still hurts like hell. I was back to being suicidal, seeing her everyday having to be nice, polite, professional, can my life get any worse?
But days come and go, I think of both of them, Landon and Morrigan, smiling and laughing because I know that I have better now. I may be 'single' but I have two amazing friends. My 'Knights' in shining armour, Maddi and Keegan. Hell I adore them both so much.
Maddi and I have a special relationship; she's my protector from all that is evil in this world. Not allowing anyone to get close to my heart anymore, she believes it's hers to protect, and to be honest she can have my heart as long as it stays safe. Besides, I love Maddi, I just don't know to what extent. I don't know if she could be a lover for me, or just a friend.
Madison's big brother Keegan however, will always stand up and fight for me. He's always loved me; we dated a while back in high school, and I remember drunken karaoke nights at the bar! FREE BEER! All the Open Mic nights that we held there, he would beg and plead with me to get up and sing Fast Car as he played his guitar. He made me promise that he and I would run away one of these years make something out of ourselves. I guess going into FFW I'm trying to make something of myself, and he’s the lucky one that I’m with me.
Talking about my life Landon and Morrigan, dear Maddi and my 'sometimes when I feel like it' boyfriend Keegan. I have no clue what direction I need to go to, nor who will stab me in the back in the end. I’m still so fucked up!
*****
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